Thunder rolling in
Reminds me that the one-year "anniversary" of his death is near
It was a stressful day at work, on a Friday. I ended my workday and immediately hopped on my mower, turned on Fruit Bats in my headphones and groomed the property with a numb mind.
Keep busy, Tina.
That’s my mantra.
If I keep busy then the intrusive thoughts will stay at bay, and I can focus on what’s in front of me instead of all that transpired before.
Today, nothing felt good. Or happy. Or easy.
We all have days like this, I know. But today, for some reason, all I wanted to do was crawl in my bed and welcome sleep.
I think my body, mind, nervous system and spirit are beginning to prepare me for “the day.” July 17. 2:52pm.
Keep busy.
After mowing, I took all the dogs out, fed them, put some pizza in the oven and then unloaded the bag of cow manure from my car. I lugged it to my garden and spread it on the veggie plants that are looking a little bit yellow and sad.
I put my lawn cart away under the shed roof, got my leaf blower and cleaned the grass off of my mower, and then burned the cardboard boxes from recent deliveries.
Keep busy.
I picked some basil and chopped it up for the pizza. Then I lit some candles, including Geoff’s candle by his urn. That candle burns every single day.
The clothes from the dryer made their way to my bed to be folded, and new laundry was started.
Stay busy.
…But I’m so tired.
Pizza’s done. I cut it up, sprinkled the basil on top, added red pepper flakes and parmesan. Bryce arrived. Then Arianna. We ate together on the screened porch. A bottle of wine was opened.
Then we started to talk about Geoff and how much we miss him. We discussed how we’ve collectively had some harder days this week. Is it because the one-year mark from the date of his death is looming?
Bryce is worried about his birthday, which is on June 18 - his first birthday without his dad. Bryce is the last of our boys to experience this particular milestone.
Geoff stepped on the nail on June 19 last year. He attended Bryce’s birthday party a day later and was already using a cane because his foot hurt so much.
Bryce’s birthday last year is seared in his mind, and I think his nervous system is still trying to make sense of it all. It’s hard not to think about Geoff attending Bryce’s party at Bold Rock last year, trying to engage and be happy. Not feeling well. Not quite himself, just one day after stepping on that damn nail. I get it, Bryce. Why didn’t we know? Why didn’t we realize that his pain was really, really unusual?
Want to keep busy with me?
Tomorrow I will head out of town to spend a little time with some friends, and I’m glad. We will laugh and have silly - and also deep - conversations. We’ll make food together, drink wine, catch up on life, and talk a lot. They will help keep me busy, at least for a solid twenty-four hours.
And then I’ll make another “to do” list the next day, and then the next.
Tonight, as I was contemplating these thoughts, one of the most dramatic thunderstorms I’ve heard in a long time erupted outside. The thunder shook the house, and the lightning illuminated the sky every few seconds. The last time I experienced a storm like this was in the hours after Geoff died. It was just as we walked out of the hospital, gasping for air, walking like zombies to our cars in the expansive parking garage.
We were all stunned and definitely in shock, trying to just put one foot in front of the other on the longest walk of our lives. And just as we were about to begin driving away from the hospital, the thunder shook the ground in the most gutteral way, reaching into our bones. The lightning flashed so incessantly, it was as if we were receiving a message: “I love you! I didn’t want to leave you! I’m here! I’m here! I’m with you!”
And the rain fell with such intensity, it nearly matched the depth of our sobs.
Tonight, Geoff thundered again. Or, at least, the thunder reminded me of the power of his huge love for us all.
He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to leave his family.
Keep busy, Tina. Keep busy.
